My wired coffee shop turned out to be the Boulder library, second floor near the windows overlooking Boulder creek. I suppose that you have to get here pretty early to claim a spot at the window, and my hunch is that once you have your spot you don't easily give it up. As I was at the front desk turning my temporary library card into a permanent one (now that I have a piece of mail with my new Boulder address) I was helped by a man who was simultaneously trying to slough off the insistent complaints of a grubby, red-eyed bearded homeless guy, something about his card not working... The librarian seemed patient at first, stating politely that he was going to help me now, and would the complainer please wait a minute? But then as the security guard came over he casually said to her, "can you get rid of him please?" And she did, with quiet efficiency. There are so many visible homeless people in this town, so many people on so many street corners with cardboard signs reading things like "I fell off the fiscal cliff" or "homeless and hungry." Most signs say "anything will help." Sometimes they make eye contact with you as you wait for the light to turn green. Sometimes I smile and once I gave a guy a buck. Do the good, generous people of Boulder have a ready supply of ones that they hand out to whomever asks? Or do most people become blind to these folks after a while? I want to learn more about them, why they're here, what happened to them, where they sleep at night. It's an uncomfortable juxtaposition to find a place for them in my mind and heart while I'm spending so much time pondering the enormous amount of money that we're thinking of dropping on a house of our own. And because its uncomfortable I should stay there a while.
Speaking of uncomfortable, let me go back to the idea of productivity and what I am doing with these days in my life. I'm nowhere near having a crisis, but as the days come and go I find myself struggling with the rhythm and flow of the hours. I'm quite cognizant of my mandate: to allow myself to just be, without schedule, without appointments or commitments. To nurture my long-
neglected parts and to become a whole, healthy person again.
And so, this is what I've been doing: I get up at 6am, have coffee, read email and news headlines, check Facebook and the weather, make Mark's lunch and maybe breakfast and help him get out the door by 7:30. Enzo and I take a walk in the morning, usually from about 7:45 to 8:30. Then I clean up the house a little and get ready for yoga if I'm going in the morning. I leave for yoga at 9 and by the time I'm showered and ready to leave its 11:30. Then....well, recently I've taken a number of exploratory trips to neighboring towns to see if we could live there. And the answer is an emphatic "no" so far. "Sprawling" is the most apt word. Anyway, so then I come home by 2 or 3 and let Enzo out of his crate, play with him for a while, maybe read for a while and then start to get supper ready for when Mark gets home at 6 or 6:30. Last night I got upset at him because he made a joke--an innocent joke--about something I was talking with him about. That's when I realized that I needed to refocus my thoughts--recalibrate my compass--to remember just what's going on here. I was feeling momentarily dependent on him for validation of my current existence. Aarrgh. And that's when I also realized the extent of the loss of my job at Odyssey and the proximity of my friends...the daily interactions and conversations with people who knew me well, who cared about me, who valued my contributions. Which brings me back around to productivity--if I'm not working at a job, how am I being productive in the world, and do I even need to be productive, and does the business of taking good care of myself, my husband, dog and house count? Ad the deeper question, the more honest question is, can I stand being quiet with myself for an extended albeit limited amount of time?
whew...that is a lot to ponder and poke at. I dare say that I would be even more reticent about any of the self-confrontation that would require me to dig away at my uncomfortable issues. It has been very easy to just go to work, and go home, and not "go" to places that require reflection on whether there is value and satisfaction being derived.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I do not at all devalue the keeping of one's home and family as productive and good, it may be that the there is more needed for the soul to be satisfied. Sounds like your altruistic sensibilities are being called to...perhaps, as you indicated, this is a topic to explore that will bring your good and kind human voice some play time.
love from me to you, llbb.
While I am very jealous of how schedule-free your days are, I understand that need to be "doing" something. What about doing some volunteer work once or twice a week? Find a cause or a need that's close to your heart, and spend some time doing that? Just a thought...
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