You can't always get what you want

It's still Monday.  I recently heard bits and pieces of some great NPR interviews with members of the Rolling Stones.  I think I'll try to find them in their entirety online.  And what made me think of it is that at 5:30pm I'm at home, not at the 90-minute Bikram class I was planning on attending.  Let's rewind.

I started out at 9:50am counter-clockwise around the Boulder Reservoir, less than impressed with a grungy, rocky shore near the beach area (in the 80's they apparently trucked sand in from somewhere to make a beach).  The lake, which looks iridescent green/blue on a sunny day, was grey and choppy, home to dozens of geese who loudly complained as I walked by.  Such downers and such prolific poop-makers.

So the on-line guide to Boulder recreation told me that there is a gravel trail that circumnavigates the entire reservoir, about 5 miles all told, beckoning runners, bikers and the like.  Well, I walked.  And walked.  Walked past 2 dams, the southern dam and the northern dam.  Damn.  For a little while I had a waterfowl companion swimming along side of me in the water. It sat like a loon, low and straight, and it dove like a loon. I tried talking in loon language to it, but it didn't answer back. The other person on the trail gave me a wide berth.  And when I was directly across from where I started I noticed that there was another sort of area, a wetlands, a protected, more natural area. 
About 90 minutes into my walk, I encountered this:

I've never been warned about the inevitability of certain death before.  Though I suppose it's one of the most honest signs we would ever see.  At any rate, I continued, avoiding (as you can see) certain death.  My reward for throwing caution to the wind was a lovely view of the reservoir framed by the mountains.

But then, the trail stopped.  Literally, in a parking lot, no where else to go.  I started walking on the dirt road, away from the reservoir, nodding confidently to each car (jeeps, really, with gun racks) that passed--yeah, I know that I'm walking on a dirt road miles from anything else, I chose to do this.  I started feeling like the main (anonymous) character in To Build A Fire, one of my favorite short stories.  A couple miles into the dirt road, I felt that I had been somewhat cocky, not really having thought through the consequences of my actions.  Did I make a serious error in not turning around and retracing my steps?  I couldn't see the reservoir any more, I was heading into the mountains, distracted only by the screech of what I was sure was killdeer in the fields.  Turns out, the screech was either a mating call or a warning cry (sometimes it's hard to tell the difference) from the beloved Boulder prairie dogs, overgrown gerbils, really.  They were my only companions on this ominous journey.  If they weren't so fat and silly, I'd have thought they were laughing at me.

Once I realized I'd eventually make it back to the entrance to the reservoir area and my car, I relaxed.  I gathered some milkweed stalks to decorate the house and started thinking about lunch.

My intention was to do a 4:30pm Bikram yoga class, but do you think I could find the place?  I didn't think to bring the address with me because I thought I'd memorized it.  Which I hadn't.  I knew the street name, but it was confusing and I saw the clock tick down and started getting stressed about not making the yoga class.  Ironic, right?  So I decided to cut my losses and go home, but not before going to Home Depot for a lower-watt lightbulb to replace the spotlight that our landlady put in the living room lamp.  And going into Home Depot I almost hit my first biker and I scraped the curb with the front bumper of the newly leased hybrid vehicle, which for some reason has a front bumper that's 2" from the ground.  ach. 

Moving to a new city is exciting, yes, and exhilarating and fun to explore.  But it's also frustrating and maddening when all the streets seem like one-ways and everyone else knows what they're doing and the bikers are aggressive and the curbs are invisible. Needless to say, I never made it to the library today.

So this is all part of this adventure.  The good, the bad and the prairie dogs.  I'm gonna read some tonight and turn in early.  You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need. 

Thanks for indulging the long blog.  I don't think I'm going to make a habit out of writing 2 blogs a day.  People would have to unsubscribe. 

It's Monday...

...and I'm not at work.  At least not at the work I've been doing.  I think that having long spans of time to myself is a different type of work, more of an internal dialog about what my purpose is today.  What shall I do to fill this time?  At this point in my life time is a luxury.  Maybe time is always a luxury for us first world westerners. 

I am so grateful to have the support of my friends back in CT.  To be happy for me even though it's hard to think of so many miles between us is such a gift.  I intend to keep my connections strong and to make sure that the people I love know that I keep them close in my heart. 

So today, I'm going to trek around the Boulder reservoir, a man-made water/recreation spot with a 5-mile trail circumnavigating it.  Then I think I'll check out the Boulder library.  November is NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) and they have a weekly group that is meeting to engage in this event.  Tomorrow is the meeting, so I might actually go and hear about people who have decided to write a novel during November!  I know that one of Odyssey's teachers is doing this with one of her classes, so it would be fun to check out.  I know absolutely nothing about novel writing, but I know that I like writing and I like novels and I like libraries, so it seems like a win. 

Bikram class at 4:30.  It's near the municipal airport where Mark's work is.  So maybe next week I can go to the class then pick him up at work afterwards.  Forward thinking...

Sunday November 18



This is the trail that leads from our door into the Flatiron foothills.  Mark and I hiked up to the Saddle yesterday, which is about 2/3 of the way up to Bear Peak.  About 7 miles.  And since now he's all the way over the pond in Switzerland, I figured I'd do it again today.  It's a gorgeous sunny day, approaching 55 degrees and quite blustery.  So I loaded up my Camelbak and brought along some extra layers and dried fruit and headed out at 9am.  I reached the Saddle around 10:30, huffing and sucking wind the whole way.  I stopped about every 100 feet to get my heart rate back under 200...crazy altitude!  But the cool thing is, there are so many other hikers out, some breezing up the mountain like it's an easy stroll, some just putting one foot in front of the other, just being out there doing it.  So I did some bird watching while I rested. 

Really windy and cool at the saddle today, but amazing views of the Rockies to the west and the front range to the east.  When the wind blows through the pines it really sounds like a train or a jet coming close.  It starts like a whisper but you can hear it coming closer, then it's on you.  I've always loved the wind, so this makes me really happy!

On the way down I found a flat outcropping that overlooked the range and Denver in the distance.  Just the spot for a rest.

So I'm here in Boulder for 2 weeks.  I'm here to get my bearings, to nest a bit in our borrowed house, and to acclimate to life out west.  And to continue the separation from Odyssey and life in Connecticut.  I was thinking, on the way down from the Saddle, how grateful I am to have had the opportunity to be part of Odyssey.  It's been a challenging journey, but one that I'll never regret having taken.  I've learned so much about myself through this experience and I know that I've been part of an amazing period of growth.  I feel that I've made a positive mark on my little corner of the world through Odyssey, and I'm really happy about that. 

There's a lot of time to think when you're on a 7 mile hike by yourself.  But I also love how meditative hiking can be...I can be fully present and feel part of the wider world; I hear my footsteps, feel the wind and sun on my face, concentrate on the path right in front of me, glancing often at the blue sky, distant plains and other folks (and dogs) coming up the trail.  I felt content and peaceful on the trail today, like I am ok in the world.  Imagine. 




In Brooklyn

Having an epic hang with Laura and Coleman in BK.  it's been a while since I had 2 whole days to be here. Two days is about what you need to get honest and real after a time apart.  This is a precious time and I'm grateful to be here now.  I remember being 26, and I remember that it wasn't always easy.  Somehow you think you're supposed to know more or be more than you actually are.  When I look at my daughter I see a perfect life in progress.

Today...? Coffee first, then we plan lunch.  Epic.

Saturday Novemer 10

Yesterday I got roasted and toasted with my colleagues.  The party was supposed to be a surprise but when I told them I was leaving the building for a doctors appointment they had to tell me.  Which is really better for me because I've never been particularly gracious when the recipient of a big surprise.  So I got to sit back with a giant martini and laugh at myself for a few hours.  I'm pretty ridiculous sometimes, and my friends captured that very well.  I was honored by the attention and effort and by the kind words that everyone wrote in the scrapbook that they made for me.  Sigh.  Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Today I get to drive to Brooklyn for an epic hang with my girl!  I get to drive there with my bff, lafm, who's going on to Newark to celebrate Molly and Thomas' engagement!  I got them a 3-legged ceramic pig from Chile, a good luck charm:)

Just spoke with my mom who's getting ready to bring Enzo to his first dog training class...she's convinced that he'll be the valedictorian, smart little thing that he is.  She's doing an amazing thing by fostering Enzo for us during this move.  I know that she loves him, and he loves her, and I just don't know how it's going to be for us to take him away in December.  I have to trust her that it will be ok but there are many times when I think he should just stay with her.  But then again, it's becoming the coldest, snowiest part of winter and it might be really challenging to have to walk him on icy sidewalks...I just want Mom to have a companion, a fuzzy friend to keep her company.  So I hope she can keep looking for a little black cockapoo or other grown-up little dog to call her own.  At any rate, what she's doing now for Mark and me is invaluable and so, so appreciated. 

Sabbatical

From the Latin, sabbaticus; a break or change from a normal routine; an extended absence from one's career to achieve something.  Lately I've been thinking of my transition time as a sabbatical.  I've actually had the idea of a sabbatical in my head for a while, perhaps to hike the Appalachian Trail with Laura, perhaps to play music again.  And now, true to life's mischievous and unpredictable nature, it happens that I'm going on Sabbatical in Boulder Colorado!  I think that's pretty cool.  It's actually helping me to think about this time off...to put some structure or definition around what I'll be doing with my life after Odyssey.  Which is how my brain works.  I need something to ground me in my head.  The thought of going to Boulder without a job, without immediate prospects is a little unsettling for a high achiever like me.  What shall I do with my time?  And the danger for me is that I would have no trouble finding something to fill a great deal of my time.  Another school administration job...a new career path...And I'd be right back in my "normal routine" of trying to accomplish grand things on a grand scale (because I can) at the expense of my soul's peace, my body's health, relationships, etc.

So this time is a gift and I'm beginning to see it that way.  I'm taking sabbatical.  I really like how that sounds.  And it's pretty much true, though I won't return to my normal routine afterwards.  But I will be taking an extended period of time away from my career to accomplish something else.  What a challenge for me!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch (Odyssey) I have been feeling somewhat marginalized, demoted, deflated recently, which I suppose is to be expected.  The transition from me to Bug as principal is not without casualties, my ego being one.  I'm trying really hard to let go of control (you try prying control away from my iron grip) but at the same time stay engaged.  It's becoming harder to see where I fit in.  I'm trying to do a really great job with teacher observations and reviews because that's my best opportunity to continue to add to the school right now.

When my dad was dying the hospice people gave us some small books to read about the dying process; these books were incredibly helpful and comforting as we went through this together...what to expect and when.  And interestingly, as I leave Odyssey I feel like I'm going through a type of death as well (not to be dramatic), the death of this crucially important and impactful chapter in my life.  And, like my dad, who began to disengage with life a couple months before he died, I feel like my heart and mind is drifting away a bit from Odyssey; I don't think about the school every waking (and dreaming) moment, I am backing off from day to day operations, I'm not part of making plans for the future...I haven't even been next door to see the new construction in a while.  I think it's all a necessary part of letting go.

It's been 15 days since my last post...

and some significant things have gone down since then...a hurricane, a road trip across the country in a UHaul, a college-friend reunion, a trip to Orono, a trip to Orlando...15 days closer to our move, 15 days closer to today.  I put Mark on the plane back to Denver last night.  Getting really familiar with BDL airport at this point.  It will be 12 days until we see each other again, but Friday really doesn't count and today's almost over, so it's really like...8 days.  We both see these next 2 weeks as a time for huge productivity at work--I've got so many teacher observations to do and write up, but my biggest project on the table is getting report cards ready for the end of the month.  And since I'll be away during the last 2 weeks in November I need to finish this up by the 16th.  So I'll be on it.  Mark has just reached his one-month milestone at work and is feeling really strong and confident about how things are going and how he's doing so far.  We talk about this all the time, how this is such an incredible opportunity for him to use his wealth of experience gained over 32 years in corporate engineering to help steer this small, young company to the next level.  He believes that his knowledge and experience are truly valued at AirComm.  That's huge. 

Bikram yoga on my afternoon schedule today...a 4:30 class in Hartford.  106 degree room to sweat the trepidation about all this right out of me.  It's really hard to think about much else when you're concentrating so hard on not passing out.   I'm on the 2-week for $20 deal, so I want to make the most of it. 

What a great visit with old friends this past weekend.  Much laughter, possibly too much wine (but at least it was great wine!) and a lovely affirmation of the bonds between us.