Whoa, I'm here.

I put myself on a train. For the past 5 months I've been on a metaphorical train, more like a thought train really. There's a lifetime of momentum behind this train, driving it, pushing it onward. I had this realization today in yoga, at the very end. I actually started to cry a little because of the rush of emotions that hit me when I said the word "surrender." In my head of course, this was savasana after all. See, there are a couple forces at work right now. First is that it's late August and for the first time in a very long time I'm not at school preparing for the new school year. I'm not greeting teachers as they cart in their new supplies and dust of their rooms, full of stories of summertime bliss. I'm not setting goals, crossing T's and dotting i's. I'm not in charge of anything and that is...scary. Because if I'm not in charge of anything, what's my purpose? And the second force at work inside me is that I'm nearly 9 months into my sabbatical and I feel like I might just be beginning to understand what it's all about. Like a gestational period for my psyche. Maybe I'll give birth to reason and rationality. That's why this blog...writing in general...is good for me, because in order to do it I need to articulate the swirl of thought clouds in my head, and in order to do that I need to sit quietly and be. So I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself about Getting A Job. Ask Mark, it's been fun for him. I really think it has to do with the school year starting and me being here, just being here. On the train again, I've been obsessing about what I can do...what I should do. I've spent hours applying to the University of Colorado in Boulder for jobs that I'm either overqualified for or don't meet a minimum requirement which is actually kind of funny considering all the various skills I have after decades of challenging and varied work in the education field. I've spent additional hours applying to the Boulder Valley School District and simultaneously navigating the glorious bureaucracy of the Colorado Department of Education to apply for reciprocity for my Connecticut administrator license. And underlying all of this flurry of effort is a panicked sense of unknowing which is uncomfortably familiar to me. My challenge is to live with this unknowing and trust that when the time is right I'll know what it is I should do next with my time, my energy and skills. Not just to live with it, but to look right at it, to be with it without trying to run away or mask it. As you know, my modus operandi is to DO, take action, git 'er done. Which is also rather funny because I'm not averse to being alone in solitude. I spent the months of January, February, March and April looking for a new home and enjoying down time in our new town. I spent the months of May, June, July and August getting settled in our new home, three weeks of which were shared with good friends and family who came to visit. Doing, doing. Lots of doing. All good. But somehow I feel as though the real work of my time off is just starting and I could easily sabatoge it by jumping too quickly into another job that demands my time, energy and lifeforce. What an extraordinary problem to have. Anyway, it's good to be back.